I started blogging so I could express myself without spending any more of my boyfriends money and not freaking out on people. I suppose that doesn't help the reader much does it? While I am here as a way to say what I'm thinking, I suppose it helps if you know anything about me.
I moved around a LOT as a kid. I wasn't an army brat or anything, just the child of a single mother who married some guy, neither of which had any money. I was aware at an early age that people, happiness and enjoying simple things meant a hell of a lot more than those possessions I could acquire. I rarely asked for anything from my mother or even my adopted father because I was aware that we didn't have the money for me to spend on crap. When my father found a job, we followed it around for a while. This is how I found my way from Michigan to Florida. I'll admit its a lot easier being poor and proud in a warmer climate.
I had what I call my Hell year when I was fourteen. I've realized most people have these. While, as a child, I managed to deal with a lot of issues (my mothers recovering alcoholism, my distant adoptive father, my cousins rampant jealousy and the regular issues of never being able to keep a friend) this one year was way more than I had handled previously. My mother had adopted my cousin, Dawn, just before she turned 18. This is important information. My Hell arrived with the knowledge that my mother had Lupus. If you don't know, this is an immune disease that affects the body harshly and often give the affected only a handful of painful years to live. Later this same year several of our family animals died. That Christmas Eve my adopted sister was found dead in he apartment that she had shared with her fiancee. Within a few months my parents decided they were getting a divorce.
Relating this to typed media feels a lot like complaining. Listing my pains and issues appears, in my opinion, a way of getting attention. That's really not my aim. I think this really shows one of the many issues I've picked up over the years.
You see, I have a near pathological need to please people. I temper this little problem with a caustic attitude and an aloof bearing. Balance is good right? I am incredibly independant. This is a strange quality considering I don't think I could possibly live alone, I pine for lost friends and I rarely make enough money to fully support myself. Furthermore, I have an ever worsening fear of driving. No, not the fear of getting into an accident. I assume that'll happen one way or another. My fear is the driving, and getting lost. Driving on the highway fills me with angst. When I near my exit I shake with tension and have to control my breathing. I'm paranoid of getting off on the wrong exit.
My other terrible fear? Water. I'm so afraid of large bodies of water I often can't breathe when I think about it. When I was young I was fine with water. I swam alone in the deep end. I happily submerged myself and had no issue. As I grew up I developed this fear. It became worse and worse. Beginning, oh, around the time I was fourteen. Now, when asked to enter a pool, I stand rigid against the wall in the shallowest area and fight to control my breathing. I might add that, once again, the fear isn't of drowning. I'm not afraid of death in a pool or lake or ocean. I'm afraid of the water as an entity.
I've recently realized I also have a mild form of agoraphobia. I assume this has something to do with my original driving issue. I now have to thoroughly convince myself to leave the house. If offered a reason concerning another person (i.e. an errand or job or the like) I will happily hop in my car and head out. If its for me, its much more difficult.
I'm beginning to wonder what I'll develop next...
Is that enough about me to bore you yet? I can try harder next time.
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