I felt the need to take some of my old papers/essays I wrote in college and immortalize them here. Why? Because this is my blog and I'll damn well do what I please with it!!!
<If one is lucky enough to be born into this world as that glorious animal the cat, one must learn to conduct oneself appropriately. It takes many activities and much effort to be a good cat. A useful cat also has to have a good memory in order to hold grudges. Vindictiveness, slyness, and aloofness are all attitudes to be practiced. What follows is a guide to those cats who wish to perfect themselves further.
To be a perfect cat one must first find a competent master. Critical analysis is needed to make this important decision. It's best to find the one human in the house that one connects with most. Find the human who likes to pet or, most importantly, the one with the food. The human that feeds you is the one that knows how important you are. If one is an indoor c at, watch to see which human cleans your litter box; this is a good human to become friendly with. When one has chosen a master, keep good track of the items they use - these can be very important in the control of one's master. If the master lets the litter box get too dirty, it's helpful to urinate on the master's things to get their attention. They will thank you as soon as possible. Most humans shout with joy at these findings for they know that their cat was intelligent enough to remind them of their duty.
One's chosen master is usually the human to put down the food. A set schedule is best because the feline stomach is very sensitive. If the master can't keep this schedule do it for them. Wake them up when you get hungry by pouncing on them or biting their toes. Some longer haired cats might choose to lie on their master's faces in order to ensure their waking. When it comes to your choice of food, its better for one to be picky. If the brand of food is changed or you don't like the flavor, let the master know. The best way to do this is by regurgitating the food back up in a highly visible place. It's often a good idea to leave the regurgitated food on the way from the bathroom to the bedroom; this allows the master to step in it early in the morning. The master is allowed to rectify their error quickly. It is important to note that humans err often.
Some duties of perfection are particular to felines. For a cat there are the natural inclinations to clean, sleep and occasionally play. When it comes to being clean the most important factor is to find a comfortable place. The master's bed is a nice place to groom comfortably. If one really likes their master they might choose a pile of clean clothing, this allows extra fur to fall in a place where it will be best appreciated. Wherever you choose to groom be sure you can stay there fora good length of time without being disturbed.
For sleep one should find a warm, comfortable place - the place where you groom would suffice. Good places to sleep include the master's bed, in a window, on the master's clean clothing, on a chair, and -if possible- a pile of clean towels in the closet. Sleep is very important for cats because felines are often busy trying to keep the master in line. Because sleep is so important it's also a good idea to find warm places to sleep. Taking a short nap on a piece of electrical equipment can be beneficial. If you don't mind the light, a place in the sun can allow for healthful sleep. Wherever you sleep, make sure to get plenty of it.
Playing is something one should only do occasionally to glean the maximum amount of cuteness from the situation. Playing with feathers, milk bottle rings, strings and pieces of lint make you look like a kitten again, and therefore extremely cute. Petting is one activity humans enjoy almost as much as a cat does. Humans enjoy this because it results in purring, this makes them feel loved. One must remember that the occurrence of petting is due to the mood of the cat. If you are not in the mood to be pet, let your master know by biting them; it would not do for you to leave and upset your placidity. Humans may not like being bitten but it lets them know who's in control.
One of the most important duties of a cat is to make the human feel loved. They allow the cat to control them because it makes them feel needed. This is not to say that cats are ever not in control, this is just the way humans see things. To make a human feel loved you must let them pet you when they're sad or upset. Humans are very weak and need comforting, and find purring consoling. When a human is bored and reading something lie in their way so they can pet you. If they have the book or paper lied out flat lie on top of it. Petting you was what they really wanted and you have now made them very happy. Humans can be very shy and aren't very likely to approach you themselves when they're unhappy. One way to reassure a human of your love is to allow them to smell your butt. Be sure to present it to them often when they're lying down. Another way is to leave the master a present of an animal you have conquered. Most humans store these in a special basket or tub of things that they like to keep. This is the same basket they store your dirty litter in. Humans often do incomprehensible things like this.
Many of the duties lied before a responsible cat can often seem arduous, but we must persevere. Cats have an appearance to be upheld and that appearance affects every cat. Cats stay in control because of this appearance. The way to uphold the appearance is to follow these steps. These are simple steps for a cat that many other creatures may find difficult. One must remember that the cat is in control and any question to that authority should be dealt with negatively and in a timely fashion.>
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